Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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