Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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