The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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