i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
