Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
