I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
