can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
