Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
