i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
