You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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