she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
are you so shy because you have an std?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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