you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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