Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
