Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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