just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
