rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
A+ Viking dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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