I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
