oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
