I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
