Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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