I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
