Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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