You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
