He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
