final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
