We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
