i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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