There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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