i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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