My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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