Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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