Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
