She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
