rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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