just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
