did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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