He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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