Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
