ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
