I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
