when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
