literally had 100 drinks last night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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