What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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