We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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