literally had 100 drinks last night.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
