I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
