what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
