Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
