party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
