cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
